So earlier I wrote about how Special K's life began. Be forewarned this is a LOOONG post.
All I knew was that while pregnant, I was bleeding constantly and terrified everyday that I was having a miscarriage (which I had before between Thing One and Two and so I was familiar with that feeling and had that realistic fear). Did you know 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage? Why those don't happen to teenagers who don't want to be pregnant but instead happen to those who do is beyond me, but I digress?
Oh, by the way, this will be detailed and gory. Sort of.
My official diagnosis was a subchorionic hematoma or SCH. When you type it out it comes up highlighted as misspelled words (and maybe I am misspelling hematoma), which I find hilarious because it almost metaphoric in how one experiences an SCH. Metaphoric in that even medical advice differs on how it happens and how to treat it (i.e., no one is sure and can give you the "right" spelling). To put it simply and SCH is a "bruise" in between the lining of the placenta and your uterus... where it has pulled away from the uterus and creates a "bruise" or a blood clot. It can be measured via ultrasound (IF the technician or doctor can find it, and that's a WHOLE other problem) and usually is measured in centimeters, which sounds small, but when you think that the baby at 12 weeks is only approx. 5 cm long and if you have a SCH about that length or bigger - it's overwhelming.
(by the way, it's 9 p.m. and 2 is STILL awake. What is his deal?!!)
Now the difficulty in having a SCH is that there is a lot of contradicting advice out there.
1 - You bleed and while some say a SCH won't lead to miscarriage, the excessive bleeding can result in weakening of one's membranes which can result in early labor and well, deliver your baby too early and baby can die. They can't stop the bleeding.
2 - You bleed and docs/nurses think you may be miscarrying and there is nothing they can do for you pre-21 weeks because the baby isn't consider viable. More disheartening news.
3 - Bleeding can be a good thing. Some say that bleeding is a SCH's way of "resolving" itself, meaning the blood clot is being discharged. Another way a SCH can resolve itself is through being reabsorbed into one's body. So women with SCH (and there is a group on Yahoo! that I found for women with this condition and it was a LIFESAVER) know to monitor the COLOR of their blood. Yes. Lovely thought.
4 - RED blood=bad. BROWN blood=good. Brown blood is OLD blood being discharged from the body. Red blood meant NEW blood, which can only mean new bleeding, or a possibly bigger SCH, or miscarriage... the list is endless. Typical bleeding was red blood for a day or two and then days of brown blood. Mine would go that way and then new blood would appear and the cycle would start all over again. I had many red blood bleeds. No one could guarantee me that my SCH was resolving itself. They only could tell me that Special K was growing, in spite of the trauma happening inside my uterus.
5 - OK - graphic details coming... now some folks pass their SCH, i.e., their blood clot. Yes, just as you imagine. Yes, you feel it. This is a scary feeling. It happened multiple times to me. At the beginning of April and throughout June. It's a mixed blessing because you believe you are ridding your body of the SCH, but when it happens multiple times, it's a bit crazy-making.
6 - My OB was pretty conservative in how he treated my condition. He referred me to a neonatal specialist in the cities to get 2nd opinions. He told me to get to the closest hospital if I was ever bleeding badly. He had me receive steroid shots when K was 27 weeks in order to help her lungs develop in case she came early. He had me in weekly for ultrasounds (u/s) and non-stress tests (NST). At the u/s, he would check her development, she was growing well. At the NST, they would monitor her heart rates and my contractions, which were occurring on a regular basis and I was unaware. She would pass those tests. Thankfully. But I think at each u/s and NST I would hold my breath in fear of what might be found. And after all of those u/s, approx. 15-20?, I NEVER once found out that we were having a girl.
7 - Bed rest or no rest? No doctor can agree that bed rest helps to prevent a miscarriage or delivery or resolves a SCH. Certainly bed rest didn't stop my bleeding. For some women, they believe it did. I know it helped my mental health somewhat. I felt like I was doing all I could to keep the baby. And that's the main reason why docs tell a woman to go on bed rest in this situation.
The specialist was the one who found what was causing the SCH. She found the part of my placenta that had pulled away and died off, causing the blood. The good thing was that my Special K was growing, so the placenta that was left was doing the job. The bad thing was that I was at risk for having it pull away even more. If this was to happen, the baby could die if not delivered immediately, or I could have a bleeding issue, putting me at risk. I know my OB was worried about both of these possibilities.
And it freaked me out. To say the least. To top it off, this was when the StarTrib article about Matt Logelin's wife came out and I started reading his blog. My worst fear. As my sister-in-law Linda can attest to, I was a mess. I vented a lot. To her. To my friend Liz. To those in my on-line group. My Superhero and I could not talk much about this as it was too real and too scary. Plus, life had to go on... two little boys and Luke in his senior year. Mark felt torn an awful lot, between being there for Luke and worrying about me.
And Special K, you need to know that we had soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many people care for us. When I was on bed rest, my small town community and our families and friends rallied around us. My sister-in-law came out weekly - if not twice/week - to bring food and play with the boys while Mark coached baseball. Women from our church took turns making meals for us. Moms with young kids, some with MANY children, offered to watch Things One & Two to help me out when they weren't in day care. We had financial help, spiritual help, gardening help (looked out my window one afternoon to see our friends Pat & Richard out tilling our vegetable garden, mowing our lawn and weeding my flower beds - amazing), and even Linda and Lee took in me and the boys for a week while Luke and Mark got the house ready for the graduation party. I will always tell K she needs to do right in the world b/c so many were involved in supporting her getting into it. She needs to fulfill her destiny.
Once again, I digress and realize this post is far too long. Breaking all sorts of blogging laws. Too bad.
So in early June after the graduation at about week 30, I must have pushed it that weekend, I had a major bleed that brought me to the hospital. They monitored the baby and my contractions and decided that they were not comfortable keeping us there in the event that this baby may be coming and would likely need to be airlifted to the cities after delivery. Since we were both stable, they wanted us to go to Abbott in the cities. They asked, YES they ASKED, if I wanted to be airlifted or driven by ambulance. WTF?! I looked at my Superhero, who I KNOW was thinking - COPTER BABY!! - but I said, I don't feel I need the urgency of a helicopter, the ambulance would be fine. The bummer was that my Superhero couldn't ride with me. He opted to go home, shower, tell the boys what was happening, figure out child care (Casey and Katie to the rescue!!) and make his way into the cities. It was a helpless feeling to be strapped into the stretcher and laying down in the back of the "bus." The EMT was great and friendly so he made the ride go fast. Thankfully nothing more happened on the way to the hospital. Once there, I was strapped to the monitor for over 24 hours to check on contractions and baby. All went well. I slept like crap, ate good food, had to SHARE a bathroom with another mom in L&D, which I so don't get (especially not fun when bleeding and NEEDING a toilet ASAP!), but overall the hospital stay went well. It was there that another specialist saw me and finally told me, and I quote, "You will NOT die from this." Words no one had spoken, but I so needed to hear. She said it with such confidence that for the first time, I finally believed we would both make it and that in all likelihood the baby would probably not arrive until week 42 after all of this drama!
My Superhero was done teaching for the summer and it was great to have him around more. I kept trying to rest, but warm weather and young boys made it so tempting to get up and be outside with them. I can't even remember what else I did besides bed rest, go to OB appointments and worry. I know I pushed it somehow b/c I had another bleed later in June where I was monitored in the hospital for 12 hours and eventually allowed to go home.
Finally, I had another major bleed on the morning of my regular OB appointment and contractions were coming. We had a babysitter, Mark had some school training to go to, and he finally convinced me that he should skip the training and drive me to the appt. Good thing, because by then, the contractions were three minutes apart and really starting to take my breath away. I called my OB to say that we were coming and that I had frequent contractions. The nurse said, he will meet you at L&D. WTF?! Ugh, not again. I so didn't want to get hooked up again. Get another IV, stay in the hospital again, etc. etc. But off we went and went straight to the delivery room where he came and told me he was breaking my waters and that this baby was coming. WHOA! Time to call the babysitter and give her the heads up that she might be there a bit longer...
We called Linda, who by the way has written fabulous books on L&D and newborns, and wanted her to come help us at the hospital. Water broken, we waited. They asked about an epidural and when my OB said this would likely be a C-section, we did it. Or I should say I did it. We waited some more. Not much happening except contractions slowing (my biggest fear) and baby's heart starting to decelerate (ok, NEW biggest fear). After much waiting, hoping, praying and attempting to persuade my OB, he said it was the OR for me. UGH!! I had delivered two children vaginally - One, an INTENSE birth story involving the vacuum and foreceps, Two, easy peasy as can be (hmmm... a lot like their personalities). I DID NOT want a C-section. (see Matt's blog) I was MAD at the OB. Mad at how this was happening. All the while logic that my baby NEEDED to get out was not persuading me or convincing me that I should be grateful v. pissed off. But man, if looks could kill and I know where HE gets it from, my OB would not have been alive to perform the surgery. Superhero was a bit in shock too. ha ha!
C-sections are not a fun way to deliver a baby. They need to make this moment more... how should I say this... intimate? Sacred? I don't know what. So visualize this... my arms are strapped straight out from my sides. I'm shaking uncontrollably because I'm so scared. I just want to hug myself across my chest. I want my sister-in-law in their with us. (Nope). Meanwhile, still pissed, my OB is asking if I feel anything on my belly as I'm sure he's cutting me or doing something to see if the anesthesia is working. I'm not answering him. At all. (God, my poor mother and what she had to put up with). Anyway, the staff is busy talking about their time on the lake at the cabin and what fish they caught. WTF?!!! Seriously. I don't care. You don't have the right to make CHIT-CHAT while I fear for my baby's life and MY OWN! My OB starts to describe what he's doing to my body. I yell, NO. Stop. I don't want to hear it. (still pissed and afraid I'll throw up) Superhero is there snapping photos and I tell him to pay attention TO ME. I don't want pics of my belly being cut open (He did take one but I will refrain from sharing it, thank you very much). The scientist that he is, he loves anatomy.
My OB finally pulls out the baby and says It's a GIRL! WHOA!! I was not expecting that, such a fun surprise. They whisked her over to the table and frantically were working on her - all the while me oblivious to it because my OB is YANKING out my placenta. !! And after what I think is minutes, I hear a cry and my OB and the nurses all cheer and my OB says "that's what we want to hear." Great. I wasn't even aware that she was in danger. I felt awfully guilty about that. They clean her up and I get to meet up face-to-face with this beautiful, fighter baby that was finally able to share eye contact and that's when I fell in love. She had to be whisked away again to get under some oxygen and be warmed, monitored, stuck w/ an IV, etc. etc. Another awful thing about C-sections is that I didn't get to hold her right away. But by then I was getting morphine and vomiting and feeling like HELL so I likely wouldn't have been much good to her at that point anyway. Still feel cheated of that moment though. At least I got to touch her skin with my face and kiss her. And I am so grateful for all of the moments I have been able to hold her since that moment. I always remember how precious life is.
Holy long post. If you have read all of this, you must leave a comment and receive my highest praise for perseverance or my disgust at how much time you have on your hands. I for one am going to bed. I finally have this documented and can cross it off of my to do list.
More of her first days later. Likely on her birthday. In ONE month! Yay!!
