Last year on this day I "unofficially" started my bed rest while pregnant with Special K. Actually last year on this day I had a major bleed in the morning before I had to go to work. I shakily dropped off the boys at day care and made my way to my office, but uncontrollably cried the whole way there.
Not a good way to start the day when you are a therapist.
Thankfully my colleague was there and available and when she saw me she asked what was wrong. I started sobbing again.
Let me explain: I was pregnant and at about 21 weeks. I had been bleeding daily since week 11. I had been in fear - daily - that I was going to lose this baby. I had kept going along with my life - playing with boys, working, (not exercising or anything else as I had been placed on "pelvic rest" by my OB since week 11), but nonetheless, cleaning, making meals, blah, blah, blah. Pretending as though all was well, even though inside I dreaded going to the bathroom, constantly saw blood, felt major bleeds come and had to run to a bathroom, constantly had to wear pads, and had fear fear fear.
So when my colleague suggested I go home, I guiltily agreed. She had to tell my client in the waiting room that I was going home sick and that they would be contacted later. She agreed to help call my other clients to clear my schedule for the day. I drove home to rest and call my OB.
The OB's office didn't get back to me until later that afternoon and said I could come in later that week if I wanted to have another ultrasound, but I got the usual medical comment that I long grown accustomed to hearing in my OB's office, the ER, the specialist, etc. etc. in those 10+ weeks since my bleeding started, "if you are miscarrying, there is nothing that we could do at this point to save the baby."
Lovely.
So I rested and the bleeding slowed and I decided to try to go back to work the next day to keep my mind busy. (plus self-employed folks don't get paid for sick days!) The next morning, another bleed, the boys out playing in the living room waiting for me to take them to day care, me in the bedroom sobbing - unable to stop. I called Mark at school and my Superhero left his classroom and drove home to help me figure things out. He made the decision for me to stay home again and drove the kids to day care. I called my colleague and once again cancelled for the day.
The next day I went to the OB and sobbed with him while on the exam table. Baby was fine - I was a mess. My OB is such an awesome man, let alone a good doc. He saw what a mess I was and asked if I wanted meds. No thanks - can't qualify for long-term disability insurance for five years if you've taken psychotropic meds. (thank you health care system of U.S. and horrible stigmatizing culture) I decided to gut it out. Then he said, If you and your husband can afford it, I want you to stop working. It's no guarantee that it will help you save your baby, but if you didn't do it and something happened, you might always wonder.
I first said, I'm a therapist. I sit all day.
He said, No, what you do takes way more energy than just sitting.
Then I said, We can't afford for me to stop working. I think.
And he said, I'm recommending bed rest. No making meals, no cleaning, no playing with boys. Just rest.
I went home and told Mark and he said, We'll figure it out. You need to do this. (once again and as always, my Superhero) So on that day (April 3rd?) I "officially" started bed rest.
Truth be told - I had always heard about women on bed rest and was jealous and thought how awesome would it be to just lay in bed all day and read books, watch TV/movies, talk on the phone, SLEEP!, with no other worries.
WRONG-O! It is NOT awesome to be on bed rest. It lost it's luster after day one. Boring boring boring. But more about that another time and the time from week21 to delivery at week34.
I was reading another blog earlier tonight about Stellan. My heart breaks for this Mom. She thought she was going to lose her son before he was born and now she has more worries as she is with him in his littleness in a PICU. HORRIBLE. I am praying for her and him (God, I hate seeing babies with IV's). I am also praying for my friend who just had a miscarriage. That loss is devastating and so silent. As I was gratefully prayerfully thankfully nursing Special K to sleep tonight, I remembered my overwhelming fear from a year ago. Back then I said to myself, a year from now I'll know how this all turns out.
So far so great.
